How to be Single on Valentine’s Day
Truthfully, I can’t think of how to start this blog, the direction I want it to go in, or if it’s even going to be good enough to post, but when the Scene Invader boys say they need a blog out of me ASAP, I ask ‘em how high, fellas. I figure with Valentine’s Day upon us, I’d break down some Do’s and Don’ts for the single folks out there. How to navigate Cupid’s big day, when all you have is a bunch of Netflix and no “chill” in sight. I’ll throw you a few scenarios you can hopefully avoid and a nice relatable movie to watch instead. The movies will either be <3 stories or </3 stories.
I know what you single cats thinking, “this seems dumb” or “Valentine’s Day doesn’t bother me one bit” or “shut the fuck up you loser, I only clicked this because you tweeted the link thirty times”. Well, well, well, lemme tell ya, cause I’m here to help you not be so bitter while everyone else is so happy. I spent A LOT of Valentine’s Day alone, probably more than half my 20s and I still got two years left. I know a thousand times over how easy it is to be angry when everyone else is enjoying themselves.
So let’s get into it….
This one is more situational, but it happens none the less when you’re staring down an eight hour work day and a night alone. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don’t go thinking you have a shot with Karen from Accounting just because love is in the air. She does an excellent job separating her work and home life and has actually been dating a guy for about three years now. You didn’t even know that about her, did you? That’s how little she cares about you or your last minute pitch for a throw away Valentine’s Day date. So please, avoid Karen and save yourself the embarrassment. Has something like this actually happened to me? Maybe? Probably? I may have suppressed the moment deep in my subconscious, but the feeling is there. The feeling is there, chiefs.
PICK: 500 Days of Summer </3
DO NOT get on social media (Twitter is okay because everyone is Twitter is depressed or yelling about sports). No Instagram, no Facebook, no Snapchat. It’s all a façade. Brenda and Eddie might look happy as shit holding a dozen red ones and a box of chocolates, but they literally spent the entire car ride to dinner fighting about money. They’re going to break up. It’s sad really. Someone should write a song about their ups and downs. Also, 1a. for the social media section here, DON’T post anything anti-valentine’s day stuff on your own because you’ll just sound bitter.
PICK: Begin Again <3 or Sing Street <3
DO NOT listen to emo music. I’m a BIG BIG BIG emo fan, but there’s just no way you can listen to any of it without somehow being reminded of an ex. The lyrics are always too broad and relatable that it’s inevitable an ex or two begins to occupy some brain space. Yeah you still love Taking Back Sunday, but next thing you know you’re remembering every time you put up “the truth… is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt” as you AIM away message. Don’t do it.
PICK: The Wedding Singer <3
DO NOT, under any circumstances, buy or consume strawberries. They are sex fruit. People only eat strawberries for the sex. If you’re like me, even just the sight of strawberries gets you so horny your seeds burst. Stay away if you’re single.
PICK: The Graduate <3
DON’T go to a professional sporting event. The Kiss Cam will fuuuuck yoou up. You just wanna watch Joel Embiid bang on somebody, instead the two smoochers behind you are spilling nachos and beer down your neck. Not a good look. Avoid.
PICK: Fever Pitch <3
DO NOT call or text your parents. This one’s pretty obvious. Moms have the best way of reminding you how much of a loser you are without even trying. They think they’re helping, but they’re not.
NO PICK, just stop disappointing your mom and settle down already
DO NOT get drunk if you aren’t good at getting drunk. If you like to drunk dial or get wrecked and text, please avoid the alcohol altogether. Everybody knows there’s nothing worse than waking up with a whole mess of embarrassing texts you sent to someone who wouldn’t even flinch if your name was brought up. Once I was so disgusted with myself after drunk texting Dave Matthews lyrics to an ex, I quit cold turkey and I haven’t sent a please take me back sad drunk text ever since. It was November 2010.
PICK: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind </3
Before we dive into some situational stuff, here’s a quick list of things you can do to keep your mind of the fact that almost everyone you know will be out there eating, drinking, and doing the bed sheet shuffle without you.
- Hit the gym/hike/run. Pack bag of workout clothes and make sure everyone at the office sees you carrying it around. They’ll know you’re stopping off at the gym for a little exercise to get that body and mind right. PICK: Pumping Iron with Arnold
- Read a book. Either something from A Song of Ice and Fire or the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, because as far as I can tell, they’re the only two book series that actually exists. I’ve never physically seen anything else. PICK: Game of Thrones of Harry Potter, obviously.
- Watch Netflix. There’s millions of hours of entertainment on there. Watch enough of it, learn to love Marvel, and hey maybe you too can come work for Scene Invaders.
Pig out or go on a shopping spree. Just fucking indulge. Do something that will regretfully impact your health or your budget. You earned it. You deserve it.
PICK: Groundhog Day <3
Go out. Hangout by the bar, put out the vibes. I don’t really see anything wrong with heading to the bar on Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re with a group of friends or flying solo, all good to me. Just don’t act like you know it’s Valentine’s Day. Quietly have a few beers, watch a game, talk to a stranger if you catch a few smiles from them, but under no circumstances should you ever be the guy to raise his glass for some lame ass single’s toast.
PICK: Good Will Hunting <3
Everybody has that middle school guy or gal they made the ole’ marriage pact with. You guys know the one I’m talking about; the “if neither of us are married or engaged by 35, we’ll marry each other” pact. You guys were so jacked up on New Found Glory and making out in your parent’s basement that you just had to make the pact. Everyone else at school had one. Well, honestly, if you’re past your cut off and both of you are still single, swing away. Swing the fuck away, Merrill. This is your best chance to pull a rabbit out your hat and get yourself some action and possibly a long term relationship.
PICK: Love and Basketball <3
Shoot your shot with a famous person on Twitter. Me, personally, if I were a single man, I’d be lobbing up three ball after three ball at Demi Lovato, because why the fuck not. What do you have to lose? I’m too old to beg her to be my prom date and nowhere near sinister enough to fake a life threatening illness for a meet and greet, but a simple “hey you got any plans on Wednesday night” never hurt anyone.
PICK: That Demi Lovato mini-doc, I think it’s on YouTube, I don’t know.
PS: my wonderful girlfriend is in LA this week for our second Valentine’s Day in a row, so if any of my single fellas wanna grab a beer, let me know. No Girls Allowed. This is Mike Pence’s America now and I don’t speak to women unless Halley is in the room.
PPS: not all these movies are on Netflix. I don’t care. Happy Valentine’s Day.
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